Love More

You have two and a half more hours in the air. Flying to your training. The first big step to you moving here.   I know this move is causing you a lot of stress, and I can't help but feel guilty and responsible, and it goes further back than not giving you enough of a heads up prior to me moving here.  I wish I had been better with my money from the start, but I just wasn't. I was living in a place I couldn't afford and just in denial about any kind of budget and living way above my means. I got myself into a situation that wouldn't have facilitated a life or even the potential for us to be where we are now. My mental health played a huge role in that and now that I have found the pieces that work for my brain I am slowly working at digging myself out of that hole I found myself in.  So I am torn, torn with the fact that I believe moving here allowed us to jump off from a fresh start and launch us into this partnership that is beyond my wildest dreams and torn betwee...

You’re almost in Vancouver and I’m snuggling on the patio with Coba.  This house feels empty without you, truly just a space I’m sleeping in and vacuuming until you’re here and it’s a home again.   We are engaged  😍 I love you Andrew Stevens, no one else occupies my head/heart like you do.  I can’t believe where we are We should write a book. 

 I found this quote on Instagram today and I feel like it captures how I feel about us and this relationship so well.  "Marry your best friend.  Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with.  Someone who speaks highly of you.  Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them.  Make sure they are someone who lets you cry too.  Despair will come; find someone you want to be there with you through those times. Most of all, marry the person who makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you."   I feel like each day I find a deeper love for you, one small thing just makes me fall more and more into it. I thought love was scary and came with anxiety and fear of rejection. If this is love then I've never truly felt it before. You...

I had to Google the matrix to know if I wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill during one of our quizzes. I saw the matrix a million years ago and literally the only thing I remember is that Keanu Reeves was in it.  When I read the definitions I think I would have answered the question differently 3 months ago. I would of happily taken the blue pill and lived in a content ignorance, a sort of sedated approach to life.  Not now.  Give me the red pill, give me the uncertain future and awareness.  I want to be fully aware of all this, this new joy and peace I’ve found with you. This sense of home (even as I move 3,900 kms away) that I feel with you, even if we are just on FaceTime and text messages right now.  I’ve always prided myself on not needing a better half or someone to complete me. I’m so glad I’ve taken the time over the last four years to really work on myself aside from you, it’s made me a better person to be the best partner I can be in our life....

Part one • Day one  Lost cell service during dinner an hour ago and I’m sitting here with my thoughts and I can’t talk to you.  I’m going to preface this with I know I’m seeing you soon and this wasn’t goodbye forever.  We’ve spent time apart like this all the time    in the past and I know once I’m out of this 6x3 cabin time will fly by but I’m    literally trapped in a    small box with my big thoughts and feelings so bear with me Saying goodbye to you today was one of the hardest things I’ve done. I know we’ve said it all to each other this last month    but every day I’m finding a deeper reason why I love you, I’m so excited about it and the only person I want to tell is you   I know I’ve always cared for you but I also feel like this last month you’ve also become my best friend.

For some people love is a fairytale full of butterflies and confirmation that this is your person. For me, love causes a lot of anxiety and fear that you’re going to show yourself to someone and they are going to reject that. So when I met you I was so afraid to let you know how I really felt, convinced myself that sticking to our routine was going to keep you here and having you in a capacity even if we didn’t share our dreams for our future, it was going to be ok.  I was so , so wrong.  I’m sorry we didn’t do this sooner that I didn’t open myself up to you. Sometimes I think “fuck, too little too late” but then I also think “better late then never” because as of today we both still have time which is such a gift. Time to navigate this new vulnerability and care we’ve discovered for each other.  This thinking of rejection made me selfish, I should have told you when I applied for the job, when I had the interview, when I got it. We could have talked about doing this toge...