Scubadrew82, This One’s For You

For some people love is a fairytale full of butterflies and confirmation that this is your person. For me, love causes a lot of anxiety and fear that you’re going to show yourself to someone and they are going to reject that. So when I met you I was so afraid to let you know how I really felt, convinced myself that sticking to our routine was going to keep you here and having you in a capacity even if we didn’t share our dreams for our future, it was going to be ok. 

I was so , so wrong. 

I’m sorry we didn’t do this sooner that I didn’t open myself up to you. Sometimes I think “fuck, too little too late” but then I also think “better late then never” because as of today we both still have time which is such a gift. Time to navigate this new vulnerability and care we’ve discovered for each other. 

This thinking of rejection made me selfish, I should have told you when I applied for the job, when I had the interview, when I got it. We could have talked about doing this together, finding a place we both love. 

I should have told you how crazy I am about you, how I love your  eyes, how you make my heart flip into my stomach when  you play with my hair when we are laying on the couch. Instead of being sad and angry we never did more together with our family and friends I wish I had told you how I want to know more about you, your life, where you come from and who you surround yourself with.  (Not everyone has a blog to stumble across) 

I didn’t tell you about my future plans because it was easier to assume you didn’t want me and just move forward with that narrative 

I know I’m supposed move to BC, so much in the last year has brought me here and I didn’t think about us. I truly thought I would tell you I’m moving and you would be relieved to have this exit plan away from me, that you would be free from me and ok with it. 

My hope is now this, that everything lines up for you to be there too. 

You flipped the narrative, you’ve shown me that being vulnerable leads to a beautiful relationship, that we are now more connected then we’ve been … and it’s 3 weeks before I move across the country. 

I don’t know what our future looks like, I can’t predict how things will feel when I’m in Dawson and you’re still here.

I do see you in it though, I see us working through this difficult period of space and difference and landing in a place where we can be together, grow and start a new chapter and move forward together.

Dear diary, he’s more than ok, he’s the best.  

I love you.