It's Okay To Not Be Okay
Honesty?
Ok
or not, I'm not ok. There is nothing seriously wrong with me, so don't get all freaked out. I'm not horrible and I'm not good and I wouldn't even say I'm ok - I am "blah". I think there have been a number of minor things happen throughout the last semester in my personal life but I kept pushing them away because I was too busy to deal with it, well now my semester is over (bring on exams). I now have a little bit of down time and it's not going well. I think it all came to a front yesterday - but has been slowly building up over the last week.
Yesterday I saw someone who I cared deeply about, someone who I opened up to and trusted, someone who made me a lot of promises and then in one night broke that trust, broke those promises and then left for school and decided that I wasn't worth the effort involved in a long distance relationship and completely stopped talking to me. It hurt, a lot. I went through a period of insecurity and going through the summer with a fine tooth comb trying to figure out what I did wrong. It shocked me when I saw him because I wasn't expecting it and the second I saw him it was like I never healed and all that hurt just came flooding back. I knew the day would come when I would have to see him again, I mean, we are involved in the same community and school dosen't last forever. I went through how I would act when I saw him again, would I be low key and act like nothing happened? Try to look cool and just laugh it off like I wasn't crushed? It's a hard thing because while I have run through it a million times in my mind it sucks to know he probably hasn't thought about it once.
I actually hate how dramatic I am making this sound
But, honesty, right?
Then there is this group of friends, a group of friends I have had for a long time - and I wonder - if I'm just grasping at straws now. Out of this group one is married and expecting her first child, one is married, one is getting married and then there's me feeling like the odd one out at the present moment. We make it a thing to get together for birthdays - I have gone to most of them, then I missed one because of another commitment that I had made previously. The problem comes because I was initially supposed to work the night of these two events so I wasn't going to go to either. Then my shift got cancelled - and in my analytical mind - I made the decision to go to the event that I had found out about first. Word got out that I went to the different effent and my friends were pissed - I get it. I screwed up? I think?
My birthday
I got a couple texts
No get together
It hurt, mostly because my friends ARE important to me, SO important and lately I just feel a bit left behind - I had to find out the engagement of one of them through a girl I HARDLY talk to/know. "Oh sorry, I forgot you don't have Facebook" So if I did that's how I was going to find out? Am I looking too far into things that I'm the one initiating ALL or any contact lately? Is this all my fault? Community and friendships are great, they are also extremely messy.
Insert pity party and just waves and waves of being alone.
It's hard, I'm struggling, I'm not ok.
End most depressing blog post ever
I'm sure after a week in Florida (in 17 days) my tune will change, after some much needed time of reflection and sabbath I will feel better. Oh and that pesky little anatomy I HAVE to pass (no pressure)
Ok. I'm done now. For real
Ok
or not, I'm not ok. There is nothing seriously wrong with me, so don't get all freaked out. I'm not horrible and I'm not good and I wouldn't even say I'm ok - I am "blah". I think there have been a number of minor things happen throughout the last semester in my personal life but I kept pushing them away because I was too busy to deal with it, well now my semester is over (bring on exams). I now have a little bit of down time and it's not going well. I think it all came to a front yesterday - but has been slowly building up over the last week.
Yesterday I saw someone who I cared deeply about, someone who I opened up to and trusted, someone who made me a lot of promises and then in one night broke that trust, broke those promises and then left for school and decided that I wasn't worth the effort involved in a long distance relationship and completely stopped talking to me. It hurt, a lot. I went through a period of insecurity and going through the summer with a fine tooth comb trying to figure out what I did wrong. It shocked me when I saw him because I wasn't expecting it and the second I saw him it was like I never healed and all that hurt just came flooding back. I knew the day would come when I would have to see him again, I mean, we are involved in the same community and school dosen't last forever. I went through how I would act when I saw him again, would I be low key and act like nothing happened? Try to look cool and just laugh it off like I wasn't crushed? It's a hard thing because while I have run through it a million times in my mind it sucks to know he probably hasn't thought about it once.
I actually hate how dramatic I am making this sound
But, honesty, right?
Then there is this group of friends, a group of friends I have had for a long time - and I wonder - if I'm just grasping at straws now. Out of this group one is married and expecting her first child, one is married, one is getting married and then there's me feeling like the odd one out at the present moment. We make it a thing to get together for birthdays - I have gone to most of them, then I missed one because of another commitment that I had made previously. The problem comes because I was initially supposed to work the night of these two events so I wasn't going to go to either. Then my shift got cancelled - and in my analytical mind - I made the decision to go to the event that I had found out about first. Word got out that I went to the different effent and my friends were pissed - I get it. I screwed up? I think?
My birthday
I got a couple texts
No get together
It hurt, mostly because my friends ARE important to me, SO important and lately I just feel a bit left behind - I had to find out the engagement of one of them through a girl I HARDLY talk to/know. "Oh sorry, I forgot you don't have Facebook" So if I did that's how I was going to find out? Am I looking too far into things that I'm the one initiating ALL or any contact lately? Is this all my fault? Community and friendships are great, they are also extremely messy.
Insert pity party and just waves and waves of being alone.
It's hard, I'm struggling, I'm not ok.
End most depressing blog post ever
I'm sure after a week in Florida (in 17 days) my tune will change, after some much needed time of reflection and sabbath I will feel better. Oh and that pesky little anatomy I HAVE to pass (no pressure)
Ok. I'm done now. For real
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