Oh hey self confidence it has been awhile.

June 13, 2010

In honor of this post I have given my blog a face lift, it was time to change it since it has been the same since 2007!

What I am about to type is something that is very personal, an inner demon that I have been struggling with for too long - since moving to Indonesia I have made major advances against this "demon" and I think now is a good time to share. This is not an easy thing for me to post in a blog - it is something private, something I like to keep close and quiet. But here we go. . .

I have struggled a long time with insecurities - mostly surrounded around my weight. I believe it all started shortly after we moved to Canada. I was a lot taller and a lot heavier then most of the girls in my new grade 5 class and kids at that age have a thing with pointing differences out. The mentality of "if I could just be 20 pounds lighter life would be perfect." has plagued me since that year we moved here. That is eleven years . . . ELEVEN YEARS of thinking that I am not good enough because I am overweight, and what's funny is at that time I wasn't overweight. In recent years I would look at pictures from early highschool years and think "Wow, if I could be that weight now, I would be much happier."

There have been many nights where I have just sat in front of my mirror, tears streaming down my face BEGGING God to help me lose weight. I HATED how I looked, HATED myself and HATED everyone else around me who was thinner - I was so angry at them - I would make myself believe that they didn't and wouldn't hang out with me because I wasn't thin enough, in reality I was a cold person towards them - jealously does things like that. I would walk into rooms and instantly separate the people who were thinner than me and instantly have something against them. When people would tell me "Kim you look nice", I wouldn't believe them and it made me uncomfortable to be complemented. Enter my sense of humour. My sense of humour is my defence mechanism, be the funniest person in the room and no one will notice your muffin top.

Now I wish there was a point in this journey where doctors found this gene where it is impossible for me to lose weight and thats why I was the way I was. Nope - it's all because of me - I got to the weight I was before I moved here because I would eat shit ALL THE TIME. I am a very emotional eater - which is a very vicious cycle that is hard to get out of. When I am upset all I want to do is sit in my room and eat straight out of a peanut butter jar (I wish I could just say I was kidding about that), then I will feel better for maybe five minutes with my full belly, but then I would walk by a mirror - see myself - become upset and then eat all over again.

* Side note - I know this blog is all over the place and not flowing well - bear with me*

My mom has been that little voice in my head for awhile now telling me to start eating healthy, start exercising. All along I know my mom has known that if I just lost weight my confidence would arrive. The thing is I would get SO angry at her I would HATE her for telling me that. I used to think "if my own mother thinks I am fat, what are other people thinking when they see me." But really it was (and I see this now) all out of love. My mom more than anyone got a first hand glimpse into my struggle, she would be the one to see my disappointment when coming out of the change room with another piece of clothing that didn't fit, see my spirit fade after having to stare at myself for hours in change room mirrors. So mom - for all those days where I would yell at you - I am sorry, know that it wasn't you it was me.

Now there is a good part to all this depressing information I just unloaded on you.

Since coming to Indonesia, I have lost weight - I am not exactly sure how much, not too much but enough that I have noticed a difference in my clothes as well as my spirit. It is crazy for every pound I feel like I have gained an ounce of confidence. I am a MUCH happier person. I LOVE myself now - which (not surprisingly) makes it easy to love other people. I still have hard days - being in a country where a majority of women are a size 2 gets to you sometimes. One thing I realized is that even though I have lost weight (other than the confidence thing) is that when I come home regardless if I weigh 170 or 500 pounds my family and friends will still LOVE me - they don't care how I look, and it has taken moving halfway across the world and losing a few pounds to realize this. I have people in my life who love me regardless of my weight, how loud I laugh, the colour of my hair etc . . . and for that I am thankful. Through this struggle I have lost sight of so many valuable things - it is a selfish struggle, something you don't bring a lot of people into. But I AM LOVED - and it took years of digging through self hate, insecurity and pile of other things I should probably talk to someone professional about - but yes, I am loved - and in return I love back. I am learning to love myself FIRST and then the love for those around me will come easy - it will pour out of me - I want to have a wellspring of love. And well if you have a problem with me because I am a curvy confident woman , then you have your own issues to work through.

And newsflash - even though I have lost weight life is far from perfect. Skinny people go through trials too (who knew?)

If you have or are even now experiencing ANY of this - it is hard and I understand that, but do NOT lose sight of the things that are important - your family and your friends - surround yourself with them, they are the people who matter. Who cares about societal norms - you are a beautiful person regardless of what society tells you.

Well there you have it - again I apologize for how crazy this may seem and how it most likely doesn't make as much sense in a blog entry as it did in my head.