Love More

You’re almost in Vancouver and I’m snuggling on the patio with Coba.  This house feels empty without you, truly just a space I’m sleeping in and vacuuming until you’re here and it’s a home again.   We are engaged  😍 I love you Andrew Stevens, no one else occupies my head/heart like you do.  I can’t believe where we are We should write a book. 

 I found this quote on Instagram today and I feel like it captures how I feel about us and this relationship so well.  "Marry your best friend.  Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with.  Someone who speaks highly of you.  Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them.  Make sure they are someone who lets you cry too.  Despair will come; find someone you want to be there with you through those times. Most of all, marry the person who makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you."   I feel like each day I find a deeper love for you, one small thing just makes me fall more and more into it. I thought love was scary and came with anxiety and fear of rejection. If this is love then I've never truly felt it before. You...

I had to Google the matrix to know if I wanted to take the red pill or the blue pill during one of our quizzes. I saw the matrix a million years ago and literally the only thing I remember is that Keanu Reeves was in it.  When I read the definitions I think I would have answered the question differently 3 months ago. I would of happily taken the blue pill and lived in a content ignorance, a sort of sedated approach to life.  Not now.  Give me the red pill, give me the uncertain future and awareness.  I want to be fully aware of all this, this new joy and peace I’ve found with you. This sense of home (even as I move 3,900 kms away) that I feel with you, even if we are just on FaceTime and text messages right now.  I’ve always prided myself on not needing a better half or someone to complete me. I’m so glad I’ve taken the time over the last four years to really work on myself aside from you, it’s made me a better person to be the best partner I can be in our life....

Part one • Day one  Lost cell service during dinner an hour ago and I’m sitting here with my thoughts and I can’t talk to you.  I’m going to preface this with I know I’m seeing you soon and this wasn’t goodbye forever.  We’ve spent time apart like this all the time    in the past and I know once I’m out of this 6x3 cabin time will fly by but I’m    literally trapped in a    small box with my big thoughts and feelings so bear with me Saying goodbye to you today was one of the hardest things I’ve done. I know we’ve said it all to each other this last month    but every day I’m finding a deeper reason why I love you, I’m so excited about it and the only person I want to tell is you   I know I’ve always cared for you but I also feel like this last month you’ve also become my best friend.

For some people love is a fairytale full of butterflies and confirmation that this is your person. For me, love causes a lot of anxiety and fear that you’re going to show yourself to someone and they are going to reject that. So when I met you I was so afraid to let you know how I really felt, convinced myself that sticking to our routine was going to keep you here and having you in a capacity even if we didn’t share our dreams for our future, it was going to be ok.  I was so , so wrong.  I’m sorry we didn’t do this sooner that I didn’t open myself up to you. Sometimes I think “fuck, too little too late” but then I also think “better late then never” because as of today we both still have time which is such a gift. Time to navigate this new vulnerability and care we’ve discovered for each other.  This thinking of rejection made me selfish, I should have told you when I applied for the job, when I had the interview, when I got it. We could have talked about doing this toge...

How was the last time I posted on here in JULY?! IT IS OCTOBER? And so is the theme of my life. Update: I am in my THIRD YEAR of school....year three. It just feels more official now, when I was in level 2 and I would go to clinical I felt like I needed to be babysat because I didn't know anything. Level 3 is a whole different ball game, the expectations are higher and so is the responsibility and that foggy dim view of myself as an RN is now less foggy and more clear. I am beginning to feel it. I fit. This is it. This is what I get to do for the rest of my life (give or take a few years) and I can't wait. I cant wait, yet I am terrified. In a year and a half I am going to be solely responsible for people in the most vulnerable time of their life. That is a big deal and not one I am going to take lightly. Having the opportunity to work at St. Joe's this summer really motivated me to do well this year. Not that I haven't tried my hardest in the last two years...

Wow, blogging has been on the back burner for quite some time now, I am currently 2 hours away from completing a night shift, call bells are quiet, and all my patients are asleep, so I am going to take this rare moment of bliss to blog. Where to even begin, my last REAL update was last summer more than a year ago, and life has changed so much - some parts good and some parts not great. To get the hard stuff out of the way, my precious grandpa Vyn passed away in October, to try and explain in a blog post how dear this man was to me is not possible. I am his eldest grandchild and we had quite the bond, there is a huge hole in our family that we are now filling with memories, laughter, tears, and a lot of get togethers. Grief is a funny thing, and it will hit me when I least expect it and not appear when I think it will. There are no text book metaphors to adequately describe the feeling of grief, no way to put it in words - but if you have experienced it, then you get it, if you haven...